Like most people, I first started watching the show Sister Wives because I wanted to spy on the funny little polygamist family and probably mock them. Being a highly opinionated feminist and gay rights activist, there is little that riles me up more than religious fundamentalism and all its oppressive ways (need I mention who provides the main opposition to marriage equality, abortion, condom distribution?). Polygamy as it is practiced in Mormon communities seemed to me, at its core, extremely anti-women. But I am here to make the argument that the show actually opened my eyes to what I might consider a feminist lifestyle. Or at least revealed the ways in which polygamist lifestyles offer some opportunities for female empowerment that traditional male/female pairings often cannot.
The Brown Family
First, let me begin by explaining why I was skeptical of the Brown family, with husband Kody, four wives Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn, and their 13 children. The reality about polygamy in the Mormon fundamentalist community is that the arrangement is always gendered as such—one male and his harem of ladies. This is of course inherently unfair to the women because Kody gets to sleep around with whomever he chooses—and indeed in the first season, decides to add the fourth wife because three is just not enough—while the women are stuck with old Kody (and only two or three nights a week at that). Despite the fact that the women are clearly comfortable with sharing their sexual partner, it is clear that Kody would never allow them to meet, date, or sleep with another man. In fact, he mentions in one episode that the thought of Meri being with another man “disgusts him”—and then heads off to bed with another wife.
This core imbalance, wherein the man gets to do something that he would never let his wives do, leaves me questioning the power balance of their entire relationship. It’s my fear that in polygamist households that are structured as such, the man gets to make all the decisions and hold all of the power. This comes not only from the base unfairness of the arrangement, but also from the fact that this practice stemmed from a religious decree. Joseph Smith heard the revelation from God that man should take many wives, and that’s why Mormon fundamentalists do it. You know what else he said? Well, I’m no expert, but I am sure there is the requisite amount of religious shit about women being subservient to their husbands, women not being allowed to be priests, and women being expected to birth babies instead of becoming financially independent. So you can understand my skepticism.
But let me tell you what I discovered when I started watching Sister Wives. First of all, Kody is a bit of a doofus. He mainly plays the role of family jester, running around making jokes and seeming bewildered by everyday life. The women, on the other hand, come off as competent, articulate, and in control. Although their frequent statements that “we outnumber Kody!” come off as a bit preachy and forced—as if they are already sensitive to this critique—there is rarely a moment when Kody seems to wield an iron fist. Rather, it really seems as though the women get their way and have a loud voice in the goings-on of the household. When Kody tries to cajole Meri into trying for another baby, she clearly stands her ground and he is forced to back off. They also continually emphasize the fact that it is Meri who initiates the process of searching for a new wife, not Kody. This is a bit debatable, given how hurt they all are by the process of courting fourth wife Robyn, but it still seems important to the family that decision-making appear equitable. Sisterhood is indeed a powerful force in the Brown family, with the women clearly supporting and caring for one another in profound (if not sexual) ways.
Another element of the show that surprised and pleased me was the fact that the famed “mommy wars” debate over choosing work or family is completely negated by the formation of an extended family structure. Through the amazing support that this structure provides, each woman is able to have exactly the lifestyle she chooses (I’m granting that she chose polygamy to begin with, which the show claims each did). Janelle wants to be a working woman, so she heads off to the office each day and ends up providing most of the income for the family. This is made possible for her by the fact that Christine stays home with the kids and babies, of which Janelle contributed six. Meri wants to be a mother of a large brood, but due to infertility issues, only ends up with one child. Through her plural marriage, she is able to join up with the other women and be a mother to thirteen. And finally, Christine is the content stay-at-home mom, mothering her infant Truely and the others when they return from school, but her duties are clearly supplemented and augmented by the other wives, most notably when Robyn joins up and also stays at home.
Can you imagine how much cooking, cleaning, and laundry would get done with four women contributing? I would never make the argument that women are naturally better at nurturing or doing household labor, but I do believe that women have been socialized to feel responsible for these tasks, and therefore often require less instruction and nagging to get it done. I personally would love to have an additional member of the family who happily took on as much of the household chores as I do, even in my reasonably equitable marriage where my husband happily takes on the dishes everyday. Screw that, I want another wife who will birth and raise my children while I head out to the office every day, guilt-free! It’s like living with a daycare right upstairs, but one staffed only by people you love and trust and with whom you have made a lifetime commitment. I can only imagine that the kids love living in such a kid-rich environment. They might suffer from a lack of individual attention, but I always think kids from big families—particularly big extended families, where cousins hang out regularly—have way more fun.
So this brings me to my conclusion that the plural marriage that the Browns embody really doesn’t bother me. In fact, I support and commend them for creating a family structure that matches their own needs and desires, and leaves each individual member feeling appreciated and fulfilled. What could be more feminist than that? I’m certainly not one to condemn non-monogamy; I think everyone should sleep with whomever they want, as long as it done in way that is agreeable to all involved parties. So the only complaint that remains is that this relationship still seems so patriarchal when it is systemically limited to one man to many women. Maybe to fix polygamy’s uneasy image, all we need to do is open it up to arrangements like two men and two women, or one woman and three men, or heck, six women and thirteen men! If every polygamist family could be as stable, full of love, supportive, and equitable as the Browns, I’m fully on board.
Tags: Christine Brown, family, Fundamentalist Mormonism, Janelle Brown, Kody Brown, Meri Brown, mommy wars, Monku-Monku, plural marriage, Polygamy, Robyn Brown, Sister Wives, TLC
On IMDB, the headline actors for this movie in search results are “Brad Pitt, Robin Wright.” Thisquite literally made ma laugh aloud because Robin Wright has approximately 2 minutes of screen time during the 133 minute run of the film. In fact, there seems to even be a Facebook page about it.
